look, i get it: superman as a character can be pretty hard to make an audience relate to because he’s, you know, a super man! he has the powers, we know not of them, and while the interesting angle on superman is definitely his humanity y’all keep getting that really wrong, like shamefully wrong, but it’s okay, i understand, it’s hard to write, the shadow of the great christopher reeve movies, shhh, shhh. it’s gonna be okay, let me explain you a thing, there’s an easy solution, you just make this movie:

we open on a twelve year old lois lane in the aftermath of a FUCKSHIT CATASTROPHE. something disastrous has gone down — maybe it’s a massive oil spill, maybe it’s a situation reminiscent of the erin brockovich scandal, this is just a vague concept sketch, fill in what you want. the important part is: it’s a big bad corporate fuckup of the sort that we’re all too familiar with these days, and it’s got lexcorp written all over it. our first introduction to lois is watching her get approached by a patronizing, downtalking reporter and, all of twelve years old, step up to the fucking plate and take him and the company to task in the public eye. she’s the most poised and professional and pissed as fuck twelve year old you’ve ever seen, and she knows her facts, too. the reporter is impressed, but not as impressed as we, the audience, are as we watch her reign back her fear and do whatever she can to help her family, friends, and community.

sharpcut to a guy in a dead run down a back alley; he’s sweating and looking over his shoulder, clearly being chased. the camera pans out to reveal a daily planet logo — because, hey guys, the year is 2013, so the planet’s a 24 hour news network* now. you can argue new york times parallels all you want but the truth is that if superman’s looking for a job where he can a) be apprised of what’s going down with maximum speed and b) have an excuse to be on the scene immediately? then in this day and age he sure as shit ain’t working for print media; fight me. and you know what else, maybe clark’s a fucking camera man because he’s not actually great at reading or writing news because YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES CHARACTERS RELATABLE AND INTERESTING TO HUMAN BEINGS IS FLAWS, F L A W S, THAT IS THE THING YOU KEEP FORGETTING AND IT’S WHY SUPERMAN MOVIES KEEP BEING PAINFULLY BORING, ugh, whatever, moving forward.

Read More →